Words

*Disclaimer: I try not to edit my blogs too much. As an English major, I’m used to writing several drafts before letting others read my work. There wouldn’t be any blog if I continued to edit my posts. You have been warned.

I have to apologize to anybody who reads this blog. I find it hard to say what’s on my mind. There are not enough words to fully express myself and therefore, I usually resort to quoting other people. I’m also not good at persuading people. Debates in high school and college were tough for me. Even when my heart and my dreams are on the line, the words I need to say are lost. I think and plan out what I want to say and how I’m going to react but it never ends up being that way. I look back on certain major events in my life and regret the things I said and didn’t say. The day I lost my job in Morocco is one of them. My Facebook page is filled with quotes I wish I had said. After doing some research, the following quotes seem to fit my situation:

"It's always a bit of a struggle to get the words right, whether we're a Hemingway or a few fathoms below his level."~Rene J. Cappon~

and 

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter."~James Earl Jones~

I find the first quote a little funny because in the world of English literature, Hemingway is known for being straightforward; he doesn’t mince words or use 20 of them when 5 will do. Part of the problem is the fact that I’m so shy. Thankfully, I’m not as shy as I used to be. Going to Morocco gave me a better idea on what I can and can’t do. But more on Morocco in a later post. I also know that very little of what I have to say bears little weight to anybody. What’s the point in saying, “I love you” when the person you say it to doesn’t love you back? It’s not right to say something just to say it and I know that but I do that anyway. During Lent, we Orthodox pray the “Prayer of St. Ephraim” in our daily prayers and at the end of most services:

“O Lord and Master of my life, take from me the spirit of sloth, despair, lust of power and idle talk. But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to Thy servant. Yea, O Lord and King, grant me to see my own transgression, and not to judge my brother, for blessed art Thou, unto ages of ages. Amen.

The part about idle talk always reminds me to keep my words in check, that it’s not necessary to say everything all of the time. Words can hurt, even if they’re not meant to. I’m not a good judge at deciding when it’s proper to talk and when it’s proper to stay silent. Lent is a time for silent preparation, fasting, a stricter prayer rule, and more time spent in church. None of which I have been doing very well.


This post has turned into a mini rant. All sorts of thoughts are running through my mind. I’m afraid to even reread what I’ve just written. I’m tired and running on fumes. (Pardon the cliché!) It’s been a stressful week for some reason. Western Easter is this weekend but our Easter, Pascha, isn’t until the 15th. (For those who don’t know, I am an Orthodox Christian and we have a different method of determining Easter.) However, nobody in my family is Orthodox and that makes things stressful at the best of times. But Lent is 1000 times harder, though I haven’t done as good of a job as in years past. And I’m 1000 times lonelier trying to do this by myself. Honestly, sometimes it doesn’t even feel like Lent. Lord, have mercy! This week, I find myself needing more “me time” and more time to get away from the daily stressors that drive me crazy. And that makes me feel guilty, which adds to my stress. It’s a vicious circle. I miss so many things, living in Michigan, being close to my mom (and the Great Lakes!), and most of all, my old church. I tried living in Illinois after college but moved back after one year and three months. That may not have been the best decision but it allowed me to meet and get close to some of the nicest people I have ever met. And yet, 2.5 years after leaving, I come back. I know I’m here for a good reason but sometimes I wish things had turned out differently. 


I live in a village of 900 people, the last I checked. There is a small grocery store, gas station, drugstore, restaurant/bar, and a wonderful library. Every small town needs a library like this one. There’s really nothing to do and nowhere to go in the evening and I’ve never been one for the bar scene. You have to drive 20-30 minutes to get anywhere, and since I don’t have my car, I’m stuck in town. The weather’s been absolutely gorgeous since I’ve been down and it’s nice to get fresh air without freezing. In Morocco, you have to be willing to walk at least a little bit to get anything. I got used to walking a long distance with a bag or two of groceries or stuff that I collected at the souk (marketplace). It would be nice to get back into that kind of routine. Of course, having my bike here would be nice too, but my mom ran over the front tire with her jeep. 


Even though I’ve drifted off topic there is another quote that I would like to share:

"For any statement to be authentic or legitimate, the statement has to be true, it has to be necessary, and it has to be kind...this is a good set of criteria by which to judge any statement, made by anyone, at any time. Conversely, if by applying these criteria we find we have nothing left to say, then we need to review our entire mode of speaking." ~Archimandrite Meletios Webber~

This sums up the lesson that I’m trying to teach myself every day. There’s always an urge to call up a friend and complain about my life, or send an email to somebody who doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. It’s all about deciding what needs to be said and what doesn’t.


I’d like to have another post up before our Holy Week begins but that might not be possible. 


Until then,


~Staci~