Should I Even Post This?

I can name about a dozen people who are tired of listening to all of my issues. If you are one of them, then this isn't the blog post for you. I hope that my next post will be lighter and happier.

A few people who know me already know that I cycle my fears, emotional pain, and stresses. When one problem gets to be too big, I move to another until that problem gets too big, etc. Unfortunately, with each new wave or cycle there is fresh pain. It catches me off guard and I'm left standing dazed and confused (sometimes literally). Some of it's old pain brought to the forefront, or it's recent events that have me reeling. How do I admit to feeling betrayed? Do I even have the right to feel this way? What I have to deal with, I have to deal with on my own. I must stop leaning on others to help me. So if I don't respond to a text or email or answer a phone call, please understand that I need space.

As mentioned in a previous post, I've gone back to Orthodoxy but I'm so angry with God right now. A church friend had me help chant the Psalms during one of the services Sunday morning. As I was reading, I realized how angry I must have been, because I was practically spitting out the words. As usual, my anger quickly turned to tears and my friend had to take over. It was one time where I was grateful that hardly anybody is at church for the first service. All I could think about was my anger and pain, so I left after receiving Communion. I wasn't (and still not) in the mood to talk to anybody about anything. The list is a mile long and would take several hours to fully explain. Also, I understand it's Christmas and people are generally in a festive mood and I don't want to be a downer. We have church twice on Christmas Eve and once on Christmas morning. I'm not even sure I'll be attending any of them. Gram will be going to my uncle's house for dinner, but I have every intention of staying home. There's really nobody I want to see or hang out with, unless my mother shows up.

I've already cried at work twice this week. The first time was because somebody had left me a $12 tip. The second time was the result of one too many things going wrong. But I've been weepy off and on most of the week. I'm trying to change my lifestyle in a few ways and it's as hard as I thought it would be. And trying to be Orthodox again hasn't helped. I'm being bounced back and forth between the life I WANT to lead and the life of an Orthodox Christian and it's not a good place to be. The burdens I'm carrying are getting heavier and heavier and it feels as if I'm all alone in the world.

"Sorrow has taken me,
And I am unable
To withstand and bear the demon's dart's;
Shelter I do not have,
Nor a place to go, worthless as I am."
~Small Paraklesis~

Until next time,

~Staci~