Not A "Happy" Post

Note: I have been sitting on this post for a long time. As the title suggests, it's not a happy post.

Sometimes I wish I had never taken that Dostoevsky class in which I first heard about Orthodoxy. Most people seem to turn to God when things are going wrong and ignore Him when things are going right. He and I used to have a great relationship. Both my head and my heart told me almost five years ago that Orthodoxy is the One, True Faith and I still believe that to this day. But, in a country where Orthodoxy is almost unheard of, and looked at almost as a cult, being Orthodox is a struggle. Many American Christians are able to attend any number of churches w/o much difficulty but I can't do that. I respect other people's sincerity and devotion to their particular denomination, but Orthodoxy is not denominational, it's pre-denominational. There's a Catholic church in my little village and, though we have many issues with Catholicism, it's probably the church I would feel most comfortable in after Orthodox churches. But I haven't even been to it yet even though I've been here since January. Frankly, I'm happy to sleep in Sunday mornings and it's nice being able to have breakfast, since most Orthodox Christians fast before liturgies.

I think there's still hope for me though. Some members of my family went to Gram's church last Sunday and I begrudgingly went along. Most of the sermon was downright heretical and I tuned out just so I wouldn't get fired up and say something. But the fact that I recognized the heresies and felt some emotion about it shows that there is hope. I knew somebody (non-O'dox) long ago who floated from one church to another seeking an emotional high, and when there was no "high" he assumed it wasn't true worship and moved on to the next church. I'm ashamed to say that I tried to be like him in certain ways and tried to prove that I wasn't as close-minded as other people accused me of being. Nothing came of it. I know in my head that even though I don't "feel" Orthodox anymore,  it doesn't mean I'm not. And I know that being Orthodox is more than just my name on a slip of paper. I was anointed with chrism, holy oil, and given a place in the royal priesthood of Christ. Now THAT means something.

So what's the problem?

1. I'm lazy.
2. I don't have access to an Orthodox church on a regular basis, nor am I around many O'dox Christians these days.
3. I'm not sure I care anymore.

Those who know me know that I'm not a brave person, nor am I any sort of a leader. I'm quite weak and rarely stand up for myself. And yes, I know these are horrible excuses. My soul is on the line and I don't seem to care. I may not feel Orthodox, but I certainly don't feel Protestant or Catholic. Which leads back to why I wish I hadn't found O'doxy in the first place. Sometimes blissful ignorance is easier. Yet, I still believe that anybody who isn't Orthodox and hasn't experienced it is missing out. It's a vicious cycle to be stuck in and highly hypocritical. I'd make a horribly missionary. It's all or nothing for me. I can't take what I want from Orthodoxy and leave out the rest. O'doxy is really a way of life but living with my Baptist grandma makes this tougher. It's the little things that add up which drive me crazy. For example, she would complain whenever I tried to light incense or a candle. Whenever I try to fast, Gram does her best to make it as stressful as possible.

This is something I've been struggling with for months now. This is actually what I originally created this blog for. I can't look at this world through the eyes of a Protestant, but I can't look at this world through the eyes of an Orthodox. This certainly isn't a battle between O'doxy and Protestantism though. I firmly believe that ALL Protestants and Catholics are lacking, yet I don't count myself as being among the Faithful anymore. Others might think that I'm just throwing a pity party for myself, saying "woe is me" and "nobody understands what I'm going through" but that's not what I'm trying to say. But I do feel alone in many ways. There is literally NOBODY my age to talk to here. My priest here is about to retire, so I'm afraid of what's going to happen at my church in the coming months.

I'm sure I'll be writing about this more in the future. But I'm glad I finally got this first post out in Blogger-land.

Until next time,

~Staci~