Come September

Her bones will ache/Her mouth will shake/And as the passion dies/Her magic heart will break/She'll fly to France/'Cause there's no chance/No hope for Cinderella/Come September

September is not a good month for me. The last two Septembers were full of pain and heartache for me. But last year is the one I remembering now. Most people probably don't know that I was hired for a position in England. I can still remember the morning I found out that I was going; that everything was finally going to go my way. It was supposed to begin in the middle of September. (Everything wrong/Gonna be alright/Come September) But that job literally fell apart in seconds and I was desperate. I spent most of last summer living in the library trying to find an ESL job. When England was no longer possible, less than 10 minutes after that I found the ad for the job in Morocco and applied for it immediately. Even though "MO" was not the best place for me to go to, emotionally and mentally, I was desperate since by that time, I had already given my boss at the time my notice. Thankfully, he took me back. Almost immediately, I heard back about an interview for the job in MO. The first interview went well, as did the second. They officially offered me a position at the beginning of September, and wanted me to be there before the 26th. That wasn't enough time to get everything ready but this job was a chance for a fresh start. The initial "contract" was for three months and if both parties agreed, they would help me get a visa and I would stay on for at least another nine months.

Everything wrong /Gonna be alright/Come September

The souls that burn/Will twist and turn and/Find you in the dark/No matter where you run/She's made her mark/But lost her spark/And what she's pushing for/She can't remember

Everything wrong/Gonna be all right/Come September

But like every other good thing that has happened to me in the last few years, it wasn't meant to be. They gave me about six days before giving me the ax and I had to scramble back to the States before I was kicked out of my apartment. My friends in Morocco were sad to see me go and some were able to take me around Rabat and Casablanca before leaving. Unfortunately, I remember very little of Casa. Earlier in the week I began to get sinus congestion and a cold and took some of the allergy medicine I had brought with me. The medicine really messed me up and my poor friends had to put up with a sad, sick, and extremely high Staci that night. My cold/sinus thing turned into an infection on my way back home and Mom made me go to the doctor a couple of days getting back. It took him only a few seconds to diagnose me with bronchitis. He was extremely generous when he found out I didn't have any insurance; the paperwork that said I had been there was put through the shredder. 

Her violet sky/Will need to cry/'Cause if it doesn't rain/Then everything will die/She needs to heal/She needs to feel/Something more than tender/Come September

Coming home so soon was not a pleasurable experience for me. I was horrible to some of my friends when I suffered from culture shock and I was still horrible to everyone when I came back. I ignored almost everyone and I refused to go to church even when given opportunities to do so. My name is synonymous with failure and I couldn't face anybody. And to a certain extent, I was afraid of one Orthodox acquaintance rubbing my failure in my face the first chance he got. Other people would have been supportive but he would have been right. He's nearly always right about me. My fears kept me away from my home church for eight months.

Everything wrong/Gonna be all right/Come September

On the brighter side of things, work is getting better. It's still frustrating and hectic at times, and it's hard trying to budget when I don't know what my tips will be every night. My lit class is going well and I have only 5 weeks left. My stats class begins next week and I'm looking forward to it. I have never had a stats class before so everything will be brand new to me. We're still getting zucchini and jalapeno peppers from our garden, with a few tomatoes and green peppers on occasion. I finally had the right consistency for my zucchini pancakes to the point where I didn't have to add milk, and I also added a few diced jalapenos to the mix and they turned out PERFECTLY. Some other exciting things are happening around here but I'm so afraid to say anything because it's hard to have hope that it will last.

My couch to 5k training is going slower than I though it would but I'm already seeing results from it (i.e. my shins no longer make me want to cry). I've been having allergy problems lately, hence the reason why there haven't been any posts lately. My eyes are the first to suffer. Yesterday, I was able to start the mower by myself for the first time (huge milestone) but that didn't help out my allergies. Gram went down to Nashville last weekend for my cousin's wedding but I had to stay behind and work and watch the animals. She's leaving again today to go up for my niece's birthday party but, thankfully, I have to work and can't go up. It's nice to have the house to myself for a couple of days, though I will miss Gram. She tends to get into trouble when I'm not around.

Until next time,

~Staci~

Made With Love

With all of my recent "doom and gloom" posts, I've decided to write something a little less depressing. Several weeks ago I came across a blog post about a charity group looking for crocheters. Several of my family members are involved with various charities that they care about, putting their skills and talents to good use. I have very little to share with others, but I have been crocheting for over two years now and I'd like to use it for good. This group, Made With Love, has asked me to make Amigurumi (crocheted animals) for foster kids. And I am happy to say that I've finished my first bear. It took less time to make than I had imagined. It's a habit of mine to perfect a pattern before moving on to a new one. And with the amount of spare yarn we have, there will be enough to practice with. My biggest fear is that this first bear is going to traumatize the kid who gets it. This bear has the ears of a pig/devil and I'm afraid one of it's appendages will come off. It's hard to judge just how much to child-proof it. Here's the link for Made With Love: http://www.hillcrestcf.org/crafting/about/

The other good piece of "news" is that our little grocery store has a new flavor of whole-bean coffee. I had asked them last week what new flavors of coffee they would be getting and when they expected the shipment. Barb, the lady in charge, asked me which new flavor I wanted and she ordered it specifically for me. I bought a package today and it smelled so good. Now I can lay off the espresso I normally drink for a while. Sometimes it's nice living in a small town. Sometimes.

~Staci~

Bad News Comes In Threes (A Cryptic Post)

This has been a very bad week. VERY bad. Apparently everything comes in threes because I have received three pieces of extremely bad news. I am angry, hurt, frustrated and I can't even write about what's happening. I want to scream and pull my hair out in retaliation, not that it would do anything. In fact, I was so upset that I actually WANTED to go into work tonight. It's funny how quickly perspectives can change in a single moment (or three of them in a span of three days). I even burned both hands from carrying hot plates and can't feel the burn from all of the adrenaline rushing through me. And I'm almost bummed that I only have one shift this coming week.

Typically, when I have many stressors at once, I focus on one of them and ignore the rest. When that gets to much, it's ignored and I focus on something else. My student loans are always a constant stress, but even now, it would be a relief just to have only them to think about instead of everything else added on top. I have Saturday-next Wednesday off and it would be nice to get up to Michigan to get more of my stuff and see my mom (and the lake). I'm not good company right now and Gram probably wouldn't mind a break from me. But I don't blame her. I'm going for a run tomorrow to burn off some energy, until I collapse from exhaustion or from tears of frustration.

Two of my "problems" can't be solved. They just have to be accepted and move on; definitely not one of my strengths. There's nothing else I can do about them though. I'm fighting the other problem tooth and nail, but I am running out of options. Most people have told me that most likely nothing will come of it. This situation just might be what is needed to keep me Orthodox, or else it just might the "event" that hardens my heart and turns me off completely. There is an injustice happening and I have to take a stand though. Most people have a limit as to how much they can take before they stand up for what they believe in.

~Staci~

P.S. For those who understand: I actually talked to the Saints last night for the first time in months. Maybe that's a good sign?

Not A "Happy" Post

Note: I have been sitting on this post for a long time. As the title suggests, it's not a happy post.

Sometimes I wish I had never taken that Dostoevsky class in which I first heard about Orthodoxy. Most people seem to turn to God when things are going wrong and ignore Him when things are going right. He and I used to have a great relationship. Both my head and my heart told me almost five years ago that Orthodoxy is the One, True Faith and I still believe that to this day. But, in a country where Orthodoxy is almost unheard of, and looked at almost as a cult, being Orthodox is a struggle. Many American Christians are able to attend any number of churches w/o much difficulty but I can't do that. I respect other people's sincerity and devotion to their particular denomination, but Orthodoxy is not denominational, it's pre-denominational. There's a Catholic church in my little village and, though we have many issues with Catholicism, it's probably the church I would feel most comfortable in after Orthodox churches. But I haven't even been to it yet even though I've been here since January. Frankly, I'm happy to sleep in Sunday mornings and it's nice being able to have breakfast, since most Orthodox Christians fast before liturgies.

I think there's still hope for me though. Some members of my family went to Gram's church last Sunday and I begrudgingly went along. Most of the sermon was downright heretical and I tuned out just so I wouldn't get fired up and say something. But the fact that I recognized the heresies and felt some emotion about it shows that there is hope. I knew somebody (non-O'dox) long ago who floated from one church to another seeking an emotional high, and when there was no "high" he assumed it wasn't true worship and moved on to the next church. I'm ashamed to say that I tried to be like him in certain ways and tried to prove that I wasn't as close-minded as other people accused me of being. Nothing came of it. I know in my head that even though I don't "feel" Orthodox anymore,  it doesn't mean I'm not. And I know that being Orthodox is more than just my name on a slip of paper. I was anointed with chrism, holy oil, and given a place in the royal priesthood of Christ. Now THAT means something.

So what's the problem?

1. I'm lazy.
2. I don't have access to an Orthodox church on a regular basis, nor am I around many O'dox Christians these days.
3. I'm not sure I care anymore.

Those who know me know that I'm not a brave person, nor am I any sort of a leader. I'm quite weak and rarely stand up for myself. And yes, I know these are horrible excuses. My soul is on the line and I don't seem to care. I may not feel Orthodox, but I certainly don't feel Protestant or Catholic. Which leads back to why I wish I hadn't found O'doxy in the first place. Sometimes blissful ignorance is easier. Yet, I still believe that anybody who isn't Orthodox and hasn't experienced it is missing out. It's a vicious cycle to be stuck in and highly hypocritical. I'd make a horribly missionary. It's all or nothing for me. I can't take what I want from Orthodoxy and leave out the rest. O'doxy is really a way of life but living with my Baptist grandma makes this tougher. It's the little things that add up which drive me crazy. For example, she would complain whenever I tried to light incense or a candle. Whenever I try to fast, Gram does her best to make it as stressful as possible.

This is something I've been struggling with for months now. This is actually what I originally created this blog for. I can't look at this world through the eyes of a Protestant, but I can't look at this world through the eyes of an Orthodox. This certainly isn't a battle between O'doxy and Protestantism though. I firmly believe that ALL Protestants and Catholics are lacking, yet I don't count myself as being among the Faithful anymore. Others might think that I'm just throwing a pity party for myself, saying "woe is me" and "nobody understands what I'm going through" but that's not what I'm trying to say. But I do feel alone in many ways. There is literally NOBODY my age to talk to here. My priest here is about to retire, so I'm afraid of what's going to happen at my church in the coming months.

I'm sure I'll be writing about this more in the future. But I'm glad I finally got this first post out in Blogger-land.

Until next time,

~Staci~