Best of 2012

This horrible year is finally over, and I won't make the same mistake wishing for a better one this time. 2012 wasn't completely terrible and listing some of the good things that happened this year is how I want to end my first ten months as a blogger.

GETTING A JOB - I've had a string of jobs in the last few years. Being a waitress isn't my cup of tea, but I like my coworkers and my bosses treat me with respect. It's not enough to help pay off my student loans, but it gives me time out of the house and around people closer to my age.

FIXING MY CAR AND GETTING IT BACK- It took over two months to save enough for car repairs, another two weeks to get the repairs done, and another two weeks to get the time off to go to MI to get it. But it's back and it's mine (for the time being).

REALIZING I'M MORE BLESSED BEING SINGLE - Even though all you have to do is look at my ex-boyfriends and understand why that is, there are other reasons why I've reached that conclusion. I've realized that I wanted to get married for the wrong reasons; I don't have what it takes to be a wife and mother. And I'm fine with that.

MOVING TO ILLINOIS - Though I miss Michigan very much it's time to move on. By myself.

MY FAVORITE TV SHOWS - There are very few things I look forward to in life, but some of them include Downton Abbey, Sherlock, Inspector Lewis, and Once Upon A Time. These shows are simply amazing. I might have even solved the mystery at the end of Sherlock.

Happy New Year,

~Staci~

Update On Gram

Gram's much, much better and home again. The doctor doesn't know what caused her to get so sick, but he gave her new antibiotics and a new breathing treatment. My parents have gone home and Gram's sister left as well. My mom set up something where a home health nurse will be visiting Gram for a few days to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to. (Gram is still not thinking as clearly as she normally does). I'll be staying home as much as I can and making sure she gets rest (and to call my mom if she doesn't). Thanks for all of the prayers.

Until next time,

~Staci~

Prayers

I had another happier post waiting in the wings, and yet I'm writing this with a fearful heart. My gram is sick. And not the ordinary have-a-cold kind of sick. It's the kind of sickness that makes my mom enforce her medical power of attorney and is currently trying to get her admitted to the hospital. It's hard not letting my thoughts run away with themselves, and though nothing bad has happened, my first thought is that I could possibly be homeless sooner rather than later. For better or worse, Gram is my other half even though I complain about her a lot. We're lucky to have had her this long but I have always refused to believe that God would ever take her. But before I really get a head of myself, I'd like to ask for prayers for healing for her.

Sincerely,
~Staci~

~O Christ, Who alone art our Defender: Visit and heal Thy suffering servant Betty, delivering her from sickness and grievous pains. Raise her up that she may sing to Thee and praise Thee without ceasing, through the prayers of the Theotokos, O Thou Who alone lovest mankind.~

*For my friends on FB: I've deactivated my account for a while, so my updates will come via blog post or Google+.

Should I Even Post This?

I can name about a dozen people who are tired of listening to all of my issues. If you are one of them, then this isn't the blog post for you. I hope that my next post will be lighter and happier.

A few people who know me already know that I cycle my fears, emotional pain, and stresses. When one problem gets to be too big, I move to another until that problem gets too big, etc. Unfortunately, with each new wave or cycle there is fresh pain. It catches me off guard and I'm left standing dazed and confused (sometimes literally). Some of it's old pain brought to the forefront, or it's recent events that have me reeling. How do I admit to feeling betrayed? Do I even have the right to feel this way? What I have to deal with, I have to deal with on my own. I must stop leaning on others to help me. So if I don't respond to a text or email or answer a phone call, please understand that I need space.

As mentioned in a previous post, I've gone back to Orthodoxy but I'm so angry with God right now. A church friend had me help chant the Psalms during one of the services Sunday morning. As I was reading, I realized how angry I must have been, because I was practically spitting out the words. As usual, my anger quickly turned to tears and my friend had to take over. It was one time where I was grateful that hardly anybody is at church for the first service. All I could think about was my anger and pain, so I left after receiving Communion. I wasn't (and still not) in the mood to talk to anybody about anything. The list is a mile long and would take several hours to fully explain. Also, I understand it's Christmas and people are generally in a festive mood and I don't want to be a downer. We have church twice on Christmas Eve and once on Christmas morning. I'm not even sure I'll be attending any of them. Gram will be going to my uncle's house for dinner, but I have every intention of staying home. There's really nobody I want to see or hang out with, unless my mother shows up.

I've already cried at work twice this week. The first time was because somebody had left me a $12 tip. The second time was the result of one too many things going wrong. But I've been weepy off and on most of the week. I'm trying to change my lifestyle in a few ways and it's as hard as I thought it would be. And trying to be Orthodox again hasn't helped. I'm being bounced back and forth between the life I WANT to lead and the life of an Orthodox Christian and it's not a good place to be. The burdens I'm carrying are getting heavier and heavier and it feels as if I'm all alone in the world.

"Sorrow has taken me,
And I am unable
To withstand and bear the demon's dart's;
Shelter I do not have,
Nor a place to go, worthless as I am."
~Small Paraklesis~

Until next time,

~Staci~

New Start

I've had my car back for about five weeks now and it's certainly made a difference. I'm finally able to go to church on a regular basis which has had a great impact already. Unfortunately, things are not the same anymore. Some members of my church got together and paid for the removal of my priest. This isn't some sort of conspiracy theory or wild imagination on my part. This has actually happened. I miss Fr. J very much. We have a new priest who seems nice, but I'm withholding judgement because I know how biased my opinion would be. However, I've caught myself giving him my death glare during Orthros and Liturgy a few times. As of last week, he is now my new spiritual father. I have my first confession with him Thursday.

I've allowed the anger and bitterness towards the people who did this to fester inside me. They were sitting in the same section at church Sunday and it made me ill. I intentionally avoid them because it's impossible for me to be nice right now. (At some point righteous anger becomes unrighteous anger.) I'm also a little bit angry at other members of my parish. Some people fought hard to defend Fr. J, but if feels like others are ready to forget him. I understand: this unspeakable act of evil happened, but it's over, it can't be undone, so let's just forget it happened. This may be stretching a little but it's something a victim of abuse might say. And I know something about abuse.

One of my best friend's at my church recently lost her husband. He had been ill for a long time and the last few days were painful. She wasn't at church very often towards the end and her thoughts were elsewhere when she was there. Fr. J was allowed to do the funeral and his eulogy was extremely thought-provoking, at least for me. He said something that got me to thinking about how far I've fallen from Orthodoxy and how desperately important it was for me to return. That is how I've ended up with an appointment for confession this week. I can't say that it's going to be an easy path or that I'm ready to commit to the journey one hundred percent. But it's a start. I'm trying. It's hard being Orthodox, but it's even harder being Orthodox while living with my gram. Lately, it's been easy to fall into despair about certain issues I've been dealing with, but I know that's the evil one trying to prevent me from going back to where I belong.

Until next time,

~Staci~

*If you're reading this you can probably tell that I've rearranged the layout of my blog (again). I'm still experimenting with it so please bear with me.*