New Start

I've had my car back for about five weeks now and it's certainly made a difference. I'm finally able to go to church on a regular basis which has had a great impact already. Unfortunately, things are not the same anymore. Some members of my church got together and paid for the removal of my priest. This isn't some sort of conspiracy theory or wild imagination on my part. This has actually happened. I miss Fr. J very much. We have a new priest who seems nice, but I'm withholding judgement because I know how biased my opinion would be. However, I've caught myself giving him my death glare during Orthros and Liturgy a few times. As of last week, he is now my new spiritual father. I have my first confession with him Thursday.

I've allowed the anger and bitterness towards the people who did this to fester inside me. They were sitting in the same section at church Sunday and it made me ill. I intentionally avoid them because it's impossible for me to be nice right now. (At some point righteous anger becomes unrighteous anger.) I'm also a little bit angry at other members of my parish. Some people fought hard to defend Fr. J, but if feels like others are ready to forget him. I understand: this unspeakable act of evil happened, but it's over, it can't be undone, so let's just forget it happened. This may be stretching a little but it's something a victim of abuse might say. And I know something about abuse.

One of my best friend's at my church recently lost her husband. He had been ill for a long time and the last few days were painful. She wasn't at church very often towards the end and her thoughts were elsewhere when she was there. Fr. J was allowed to do the funeral and his eulogy was extremely thought-provoking, at least for me. He said something that got me to thinking about how far I've fallen from Orthodoxy and how desperately important it was for me to return. That is how I've ended up with an appointment for confession this week. I can't say that it's going to be an easy path or that I'm ready to commit to the journey one hundred percent. But it's a start. I'm trying. It's hard being Orthodox, but it's even harder being Orthodox while living with my gram. Lately, it's been easy to fall into despair about certain issues I've been dealing with, but I know that's the evil one trying to prevent me from going back to where I belong.

Until next time,

~Staci~

*If you're reading this you can probably tell that I've rearranged the layout of my blog (again). I'm still experimenting with it so please bear with me.*