Max

Max
Gram made the tough decision to put her beloved dog to sleep earlier this month. He had been acting strangely for a few weeks and would keep one or both of us up all night. The vet said it was possible that he had suffered from a stroke and was confused.We knew we were going to put him down, but I wasn't aware that our last night was going to be our last night. I had been up with him most of the night and he was driving me crazy. I feel awful now because I'll take a sleepless night over him being dead anytime. Gram told me we were taking him to the vet while I was in the middle of taking a test for my terminology class. Gram had him for over 15 years, ever since he was a puppy. She was the apple of his eye; no amount of spoiling from others could change that. I knew he was suffering and we were suffering from not getting enough sleep, but I'm grateful Gram made the decision to put him down, not me. Heartbreak #3.

He sat next to me on the way to the vet in the backseat. We went over everything with the vet, and Gram was determined. They gave Max a sedative as we said goodbye. He gave me one final kiss and slipped away quickly after the shot. There were several moments where I wanted to shout, "You can't take him!" and run out of the room with him alive in my arms. But I didn't. I took off his collar and tags and slipped them into my pocket. They still sit on my dresser in the same spot I put them after we got home. Max was wrapped in a blanket and put in a box for burial later that night. We brought him home and Callie, my cat, sniffed the box. I think she knew what happened. They were best friends. Gram decided to have him buried at my uncle's house.

The three of us are still trying to adjust to life without Max. The first few nights were rough. His bed is still in the kitchen. His toys are still in the living room. There's food in his dish. We both want another dog, though Max can never be replaced. Some friends of mine suggested that we wait until a couple of months after Christmas to get one. Gram really wants another Shih Tzu but I'll take just about anything, and since it has to be my dog, I should probably get final say.

School
I was notified back in November that I did NOT  get into the phlebotomy program for next semester. My adviser looked up my profile and found out that I was one point shy. That was Heartbreak #1. So I've been scrambling to get everything in order to do the CNA program starting in January. It's not something I want to do long-term, but my current job is less than stable and there's no guarantee when I'll be accepted into the phlebotomy program. There is a long list of (expensive) things that need to be done over the next couple of months or I won't be allowed to stay in the program. I'm still not sure going back to school was the right decision.

It's hard to write more at this moment. Everything is getting jumbled in my head.

Until next time,

~Staci~

Here's To The B

This post is coming several weeks late but I managed to survive summer semester. After not doing as well as I would have liked on my tests, I passed anatomy & physiology with a gorgeous B. That letter has never been so beautiful to my eyes. My online class was an easy A, but most of my time and energy was spent trying to force myself to study a&p. Halfway through the semester we studied the blood chapter and I finally knew that I was pursuing the right career. Up until then I had plenty of doubts, but when we watched a video of white blood cells attacking bacteria, my eyes teared up with happiness. Literally. It's in cases like this where I'm grateful to be in a family of nurses in which I'm not such a freak.

That final week of classes was a doozy, however, with an exam on that Tuesday and the final on Thursday, with an emergency in between. (More on that in a moment.) Coffee was my best friend. I studied so hard. The final exam was longer than our other exams but our professor graded them after class and posted grades in the afternoon. I met Gram and two of her friends for lunch and went back home. I knew I had to get at least 50 points (out of 100) on the final to keep my B. I was somewhat sure that passing was possible, but getting 87 points came as quite a shock. Gram and her friends got to see me jump up and down in the living room. Getting the B gives me an extra four points on my phlebotomy application which will need to be turned in before October 1st. But now I'm taking medical terminology which I think I'm going to love. It's not required for my degree but it sounds quite fun. This class only meets on campus six times throughout the semester and the rest is online. This will allow me to go on vacation at some point. Awesomesauce.

As to the emergency, Gram passed out in the bathroom from low blood sugar on the Tuesday night before my final exam. I was in the middle of studying when I heard her fall. THANK GOD I WAS HOME THAT NIGHT! She was alert when I found her but she wasn't able to respond to my question. I was fine on the phone with 911 and was fine taking care of her before the firefighters and paramedics arrived. Then I lost it. Completely. Even to the point where one of the paramedics had to watch me in case I passed out. But my uncle came over to help and ended up taking her to the hospital and I was in contact with several friends. The paramedics gave her glucose, but they can't force any conscious person to go the ER. What was scary to me was that I could have sworn she hit her head against the side of the tub. But she was checked out at the hospital and came home early the next morning. I'm grateful God gave me enough strength to get her the help she needed and I'm grateful for God giving ME the help I needed.

The end of July and most of August has been busy and eventful. Started dating again, was cheated on, got dumped. That's all that needs to be said about that. Work is part of why I've been so busy. Most of my coworkers have gone off to college and haven't been replaced. I should have gone on vacation right after school ended but missed my opportunity to go. My new coworkers need to be trained before I can get a decent enough vacation to go back to MI. Gram is going to stay with my mom next month for two weeks, maybe longer. Party time!

A friend of mine from church is going through a major tragedy right now, so if you're the praying type, I would appreciate it if you would say a prayer for him and his family.

I say this almost every time, but I hope to post on a regular basis again. I keep waiting for life to slow down.

Until next time,

~Staci~

Sad Excuse For A Blog Post

It's been over a month since my last post. The weather is beautiful, but I am stuck inside studying for an exam taking place tomorrow. Classes began two weeks ago and I am relearning how to be a college student, how to study, and how to juggle home life, work and school (and finances!). It's been five years since college graduation and I can't remember it being this hard. It's no longer possible for me to completely rely on my memory for quizzes and exams. Studying now consists of  reading, flashcards, practice quizzes and chunks of my day spent pouring over charts, study guides, and books. I try not to study too much at once and allow myself breaks to read (something for my library's summer reading program) or writing a blog post. I'm not used to getting a "C" on an exam and feeling somewhat proud about myself. I'm hoping for a "B" tomorrow.

My garden has been planted and is growing. I think the two zucchini plants will take over again. Aside from that I planted two types of tomatoes, eggplant, string beans, green pepper, jalapeno pepper, and what might be my pride and joy this year: pumpkin. My original plant was destroyed. The store was out of plants and only had seeds left. I've never grown anything from seeds before so it will be extremely exciting if I harvest pumpkins this year. The seedlings HAVE sprouted and will probably need to be thinned later this week. Last year's batch of head lettuce came up, allowing us to have homemade salad instead of buying it from the store. My diet and pocketbook enjoy this. Harvesting the lettuce will allow more space for the pumpkins to spread out.

Gram is still refusing to let me paint anything bright red or a blue/gray/green combination around the house.

My cousin is getting married this weekend and many relatives will be coming into town for it, including my mama. I'll be happy to see her. Perfect timing since there won't be an exam next Tuesday. Glory to God in all things!

My "break" is over and I have to get back to studying bone remodeling and repair. I seem to have a block on memorizing the steps. I was hoping to have a Father's Day-centered post but it didn't work out.

Until next time,

~Staci~

Holy Week, Pascha and Bright Week...Finally

Christ is Risen!

I survived my trip to Michigan. It's funny how everything turned out perfectly. Holy Week was crazy busy and from now on, I'll do better about arranging my schedule so that it's less hectic. My boss was very kind to give me the weekend off though.The road trip up to MI was uneventful except for some stormy weather around Chicago. My car had given me a scare during the week but I made should to get it looked at before I left.

Arriving in Kalamazoo was a great relief after driving through the bad weather and I was excited to be back home. It made me realize that I'm still homesick, though it's not as apparent as it was the last time I lived in Illinois. There will always be a part of me that calls Michigan home. And seeing my friends for the first time in several months made it even more apparent. I was nervous about seeing everyone at my old church since it had been almost 11 months since my last visit. There was nothing to be nervous about, however, as my friends were really glad to see me. I'm blessed to have such great friends.

My old church holds an all-night vigil after the service on Holy Friday where people take turns reading the Psalms. After being up late the previous night, waking up early that morning, and driving 6 hours, I didn't have it in me to stay the night. We had to be up early the next morning to get back to church. On Holy Saturday morning during the liturgy, it's typical to hold chrismations and baptisms. My church didn't have very many catechumins this year, but there was this adorable little girl who was baptized. She was able to wear her bathing suit for that part. We had a small meal after the service and then it was back to Kzoo until the late evening service. My god-brother and I took his son and dogs for a walk while my god-sister took a nap. One of the best parts about the weekend was hearing from my former priest Saturday afternoon. He was calling to wish me a blessed Pascha and to let me know he was going to be at my church in Illinois the following Sunday. We went grocery shopping at my favorite Michigan store (Meijer) to get food for Pascha and goodies for our Pascha baskets. My god-mother sent me some Swedish lingonberry jam and caramel eggs. Church friends roast coffee and were able to give me some beans. I added those to my basket as well.

The evening service began around 11:30 that night and lasted about 3 hours. It was a fantastic experience. The hymns, the people, everything was just PERFECT. I tried to take pictures and videos but I forgot to empty my memory card before coming up. I had very little space left during the Resurrection service, but I managed to take a small video of my favorite Pascha hymn, "The Angel Cried." Due to technological difficulties, I am unable to post the video.

The same homily by St. John Chrysostom is read in every Orthodox church. This is an excerpt:

O Death, where is your sting? O Hell, where is your victory? Christ is risen, and you are overthrown. Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen. Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice. Christ is risen, and life reigns. Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in the grave. For Christ, being risen from the dead, is become the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. To Him be glory and dominion unto ages of ages. Amen.

Brunch

The food and baskets were blessed after the service and then we ate, drank, and ate some more. This went on for a couple of hours. I stayed at church that night and helped a friend clean. I used a Dyson vacuum for the first time and now I'm more determined than ever to get one for myself someday. My mom and grandmother can tell you how much I love Dysons. It's pretty sad how excited I get over them. Even the blade-less fans and hand dryers are awesome. (No, I do not work for Dyson and I'm not getting paid for advertisement). After getting about 5 hours of sleep, I was awake again raiding the refrigerator. Most people now know I've been on a special diet since last December. However, I let myself go guilt-free for Pascha and Bright Week. My Pascha morning brunch consisted of flan, stout cheesecake, sopapilla cheesecake, yogurt, cheese and coffee with Bailey's used as creamer.

I can't describe how awesome it was to just be there. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't wishing to be somewhere else. It didn't take long to clean the church... my friend did most of the hard work. He had to leave for a bit so I was by myself for an hour or so. Then people began arriving for the final service of the weekend: Agape Vespers. It's one of the shortest services we have and it's special because the Gospel is read in several languages to show the universality of the Church. It was followed by another round of eating. Then I had to start saying goodbye to everybody. We headed back to Kzoo and watched Call The Midwife before going to bed.

Monday morning for breakfast we had some more stout cheesecake and my god-sister made an quiche with jalapeno & cheddar sausage. We got ingredients for me to make bacon wrapped feta later that day. My god-brother is a chemist and he took me to see his lab. My god-sister set up a girls night out with two other friends at a brewery not far from church.

Leaving was as hard as I thought it would be, but I had a stop to make before heading back to Illinois. Some really good friends of mine bought me a bike and I had to go pick it up. Getting it into my car was NOT easy at all. I ended up cutting my finger and my friend had to bandage my wound. We sat and talked for an hour or so before I left. The ride back was uneventful as well, and I did my best to ignore the sinking feeling my stomach. (It certainly wasn't from hunger.) A friend from my church here called me up on my way home and suggested we go out for pizza that evening. Another friend joined us and we made a party out of it, though by this time I was half asleep.

I spent the rest of Bright Week working, eating my favorite foods, and surviving a head cold. This was my 5th Pascha. My Orthodox birthday was April 26th. My first of two namesdays is this Sunday, on which we commemorate the Myrrhbearing Women. As mentioned above, my former priest was at church on Sunday and it was REALLY great seeing him again. He's in the process of packing up his house and moving (long story as to why) so he's not able to visit us often.

I'm sure I've forgotten details of my trip, and if I think of anything else I'll try to post again soon.

Until next time,

~Staci~

Holy Week

This is the first post using my phone and I have no idea how well it's going to look. I was hoping to have had more posts in recent weeks but nothing ever happens the way it's planned. There have been some recent events that deserve a post or two of their own, however now it is Holy Week in the Orthodox Church and I'm running ragged already. If I'm not at work, I'm at church. If I'm not at church, I'm at work. Or going back and forth from the two. A friend told me we need cots at church. She's right. Gas prices have been increasing and I'm worried they will jump higher before the week is done.

If my schedule wasn't already hectic enough, I'm going to be in Michigan to finish Holy Week and Pascha at my old church. I didn't realize how homesick I've been until recently. Some of my dearest friends are there and I haven't been back to my church since last May. I'm already bouncing off the walls from excitement. However, my To-Do list is getting longer by the day and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on what Holy Week is all about. Half the week can't even be planned until my work schedule is posted. I made the serious mistake of NOT asking for Thursday off. It would be nice to get to MI before Friday but that might not be possible.

For all of my non-Orthodox readers, I would like to suggest you find your local Orthodox church this week and attend, especially the evening service this Saturday. It is the Resurrection Service, Pascha, the Feast of Feasts. Nothing can compare to it. I hope to post photos of my trip sometime after I get back home. If any of my relatives read this, please call Gram this weekend. She'll be by herself for at least four days, unless my uncle or her sister stop by for a visit. I'll be checking up on her myself but will be six hours away if something happens. It would be great if she spent the 4 days talking on the phone. That way she doesn't try anything silly. I'm grateful for this trip to MI but I'm also going to worry about her.

Have a Blessed Holy Week!!!

Until next time,

~Staci~

Bring Out the Tabasco Sauce, Here Comes the Shrimp Boat

It's been a few weeks since my last post and wanted to give everyone an update.

First of all, I have decided to go back to school. Not in nursing, but in phlebotomy. A good friend of mine recently asked me about going back to school and it led me to do more research about what is offered at my local college. I knew that there wasn't a good chance of getting into the nursing program right away which is when I noticed they offered a phlebotomy program. I applied to the college and was accepted immediately. However, the deadline for phlebotomy had passed in January and I can't apply until October. But I met with my academic adviser and I'm allowed to take certain classes that are required for the certificate, which is only 9-credit hours. Registration is April 1 and my adviser will send me my schedule when it's ready. This might be the first decision I'm confident about that I've made in a long time.

Gram gave me quite a scare a few weeks ago. I dropped Gram off to see a movie in town while I ran errands. I did everything a parent would do: pre-screened the movie (Lincoln), gave her money for the ticket and a snack if she needed it, found out the time it ended so I could pick her up, and watched her walk into the theater. I drove off and came back to pick her up. She texted me to help her out to the car, so I walk into the lobby and find her a bloody mess. Literally. All of you parents should understand my feelings of immediate and sheer, overwhelming panic! She had fallen flat on her face trying to get up the steps in the auditorium and tore open her hand and arm. Luckily, a man who was watching the movie saw her fall and picked her up. Gram sat through the ENTIRE movie with only a tissue and her shirt to keep her wounds from leaking all over. I hit the roof when I saw her. I DEMANDED to see a manager and made her fill out a accident report. Then I took Gram to the ER. The nurse had to pour water over her arm wound to make the skin detach from her sweater. (Sorry if that's too graphic.) There wasn't enough skin left for stitches so they glued her hand and dressed her arm wound. They also gave her a tetanus shot and ordered x-rays. She's 85-years-old and fell and didn't break anything! Glory to God! People say that your kids will pay you back for everything you did to your parents. Those people aren't joking. I was in and out of the hospital many times when I was a child and this must be payback.

Orthodox Lent began last Monday and I'm still trying to balance being Orthodox while living and working in a completely non-Orthodox setting. It might just be one of the many crosses I have to carry in this life. Work (and gas prices) prevent me from attending some of the services, but I'm grateful to have a job that allows me to have a car and pay for gas. This is a much better situation than where I was last year at this time. I have tonight off which allows me to go to church tonight. The bad part is that I'll work six out of the next seven days. I'm also grateful that our Pascha (Easter) isn't the same day as Western Easter this year. It will make taking the entire weekend off easier.

A dear friend and coworker of mine was severely injured at work when a pot of boiling water fell on her back. She suffered 2nd, and possibly 3rd degree burns. So far she has managed to avoid infections. Please keep her in your prayers.

My stepfather's brother, Bob, passed away yesterday morning after a long battle with leukemia. I'd like to ask my Orthodox and Catholic friends to pray for his departed soul. Everyone else, please keep my mom, stepdad, and his family in your prayers. It is tradition for us to pray for the dead, but I understand that most Christians find this a foreign concept.

I think that's about it for now. I hope to update more often.

Until next time,

~Staci~

P.S. The title of this post is from one of the funniest Jack Benny radio episodes ever. I think it fits for the beginning of Lent.

This Is Not Mine

The following is written by Father Tryphon, abbot of the All-Merciful Savior Orthodox Monastery. You can find his blog here: http://www.morningoffering.blogspot.com/.

He who does not love remains in death.

There are those who fear commitment for fear of loss. They fear the other will either leave them, or be lost in death, so they remain aloof from any possible relationship. Some put on a facade of indifference, for fear of rejection, depriving themselves of any possible happiness. In fear of possible loss, they become the ultimate losers, for the happiness that comes in a committed relationship, evades them. If they don't love another, they need not fear losing that love. Some, having lost a loved one, fearing a repeat of that loss, and guard against further commitments. It is safe to keep themselves at a distance from others, for in doing so they think they will not suffer loss in the future.

When you refuse to be vulnerable by giving yourself over to a committed relationship, you deprive yourself of one of the most fundamental aspects of what it means to be human. When you fear loss, you are hard pressed to live a life of courage, for it is in living with courage that we are able to fully participate in life, and become fully human.

Grieving the loss of a relationship, either by death or breakup, is just as important to the maturation of our heart, as having a long term relationship, for in grieving we allow ourselves to stay connected to others, and remain openhearted to what God has for us. If fear of loss disables us, we may not be able to risk having anything that really matters to us, for by throwing courage to the side, we deprive ourselves of the touch and the intimacy that helps us open our hearts to all that God has in store for us.

Grieving is the way you can heal from loss, and, in turn, be open to relationships that can make your life more complete, and more fulfilled. Many people do not allow themselves to grieve, so they deprive themselves of relationships that can lead to spiritual growth that only comes through suffering loss. You grow stronger if you allow yourself to grieve when you've experienced loss, for grieving is one of the most fundamental of life skills. It is the way that the heart can heal from loss and go on to love again and grow wise. If we refuse to love another, for fear of loss, we remain closed off from not only others, but from God. "He who does not love remains in death (1 John 3:14)."

Love in Christ, 
Abbot Tryphon

I found this post thought-provoking and hope to have a response posted today or tomorrow.

Until next time,

~Staci~

Follow-up

I smiled today for the first time in about a week; a genuine smile, and I even laughed. In my last post I mentioned that I was waiting for an answer. That answer was given to me this morning and it was definitely the likelier of the two. I feel foolish and stupid, but this miserable week is finally over and things can get back to normal.

In a situation like mine, peace can only be felt after a proper amount of grief is felt, analyzed and understood. It's been a week of pent-up emotions and it took time to let go of them. Some things have happened involving my church and I was very angry this morning. With me, anger quickly turns to tears and all it took was a hug from a very dear friend to set me off. I cried buckets during coffee hour and worried many people. I was sobbing so hard that friends thought something happened to Gram. In a way it felt good to get everything out of me. It also felt good feeling the arms of those who held me. I managed to calm down enough to make conversation with my friends sitting next to me. They were able to keep me talking, even when I felt like crying again. At some point I will have to fill them in on what was going on. They deserve an explanation.

There were a few things that I had to discuss with my priest. However that set me off again. He managed to make sense of everything I was blubbering about. I agreed with him about certain things, and will have to keep working on other things. Lord, have mercy! Friends wanted to take me out to lunch but I had to get home in time for work. It was at work that I laughed and smiled.

I cried my heart and soul out today. I'm exhausted. My eyes are swollen, bloodshot, and I can't seem to get rid of the dark circles. But I am happy. Well, happier. Happy to have an answer and happy to be able to move on. I'm no longer emotionally invested in the situation and can think clearly. Glory to God in all things!

Until next time,

~(A more normal) Staci~

Driven To Distraction

Hard times got the upper hand/ Stole our feeble plans/ The faces, shot me, spin me round/ But I won't lie down 

Hard times shake me to the bone/ Face bruised, bloody nose/ Shell shocked, crawling on the ground/ Still I won't lie down

"Myth" ~Keane~

I'm losing my mind.

It's been a rough week for me. I'm currently dealing with something that has me bouncing off the walls.  I'm not in a place where I can talk about it. Only a few people know what's going on and it's hard keeping a smile on my face in front of those who don't. Gram is one of them. So please don't tell her if you see her. This post isn't going to make much sense to anybody and I apologize. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. I have this crushing weight on my shoulders and I'm losing it. Nearly every minute of my days are carefully planned to keep me from thinking. Unfortunately my body wears out before my brain does, which makes for a long night of tossing and turning. Two nights ago I begged Gram to play Settlers of Catan with me at 11:30 pm. Last night I begged her to tell me a story. Anything to keep me from facing the long night with only my thoughts for company. Even with having the day off, I spent almost 3 hours at work talking to my friends/coworkers who know about the situation.

In this situation, there are two possible outcomes and both of them are REALLY horrible to think about. I'm sure the answer will eventually come but either way it's going to be painful. I just need to KNOW the truth. Just two little words could end this cycle of frustration and confusion and fear. I'm irritable, bitter, and running low on patience. It takes very little for me to snap. The house is cleaner and more organized than normal because my hands always have to be doing something. I'm grateful for the extra hours at work. This won't last forever, I know, but I don't know what kind of person I will be when closure comes. My friends know I take heartbreak to the extreme, but I PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE not to use my blog as an outlet, aside from this post. I just needed to get this out there because it is overwhelming me.

Until next time,

~Staci~

The Post That Needs A Title

It's been a long time since my last post, but there hasn't been anything that I've really wanted to write about recently. I finally have a day off where I don't have to go anywhere. I just got back from a REALLY cold walk.It's windy, cloudy and about 30 degrees here. Spring needs to get here FAST.

Gram had a touch of the flu last week, but it wasn't the really bad strain that people have been getting. Unfortunately, I did have to take her to the ER last Friday. While her flu wasn't as bad as it could have been, it did keep her from being able to eat or drink much. Friday morning her blood sugar dropped and her flu kept her from eating or drinking anything that would raise it. Then we had a problem with her emergency insulin shot. So I bundled her up and we were off to the hospital. Out of the three possible choices for ER's, she decided to go to the one that is currently under construction. (Yes, I should know better than to let her make decisions when her blood sugar is low!) The registration lady didn't know how to spell "multiple complaints" on Gram's paperwork and the nurse put the blood pressure cuff on too tight around Gram's arm.  I was a bit ticked off! Thankfully we were taken to the preliminary exam room right away, and eventually to a private room. Gram was hooked up to an IV so she could finally get much-needed fluids. The doctor wanted to check her blood and ordered x-rays on her stomach. We were there for about 5 hrs before the doctor let her go home. All of her tests had come back clear and her blood sugar stabilized. We went to the drug store to get her prescriptions filled, then came home and I made her soup. I told her she had to be in bed by 10:00. Did she listen? Of course not. I think we were up until midnight. But she's better now and things have gone back to normal.

The weather has kept me from church twice this month. First we got an ice and snowstorm. It took days for my car to be completely free of ice. Two Sundays later, we got another ice storm but it wasn't as bad. I've learned to pick my paddles with Gram, but when she says we're not going to church because of the weather, I just get back in bed and don't argue. And I should be grateful that the weather is as good as it has been. It's about as mild here as last winter was. I've only had to shovel once so far. Our Lent begins much later than normal so I hope most of the bad weather is over by the time extra services begin. But if gas prices continue to rise I won't be going very far.

I signed up for 3 online classes through Coursera: financial planning, organic chemistry, and physiology. The finance class is going well, but I had to drop chemistry. I haven't had any chemistry since high school and with Gram being sick last week, I had already fallen behind. The software we had to use for quizzes and homework was super complicated. It's disappointing because I was REALLY looking forward to it. My physiology class starts later this month. This will be a good test to see if I could actually handle nursing school.

Until next time,

~Staci~

This Year Is Mine

I have been bold and claimed this year as mine. I'll say it again. This. Year. Is. Mine. Things are going to change for me this year. Good things. Things that haven't happened to me in a long time, if ever. My lifestyle is already in the process of a gigantic makeover. This will be the year where some of my dreams come true. No, I haven't been given a fresh start. There are still thousands of dollars to pay back in loans (those lovely debt collectors sent me another reminder just today). But I see so many possible changes coming over the next 11.5 months and I'm excited. The old Staci will be gone, and a new, mature and responsible Staci will take her place. I'm not ready to be specific yet; there's always that small fear that everything will go wrong (like it always has before.) But hope has appeared out of the darkness. :-)

Until next time,

~Staci~