I smiled today for the first time in about a week; a genuine smile, and I even laughed. In my last post I mentioned that I was waiting for an answer. That answer was given to me this morning and it was definitely the likelier of the two. I feel foolish and stupid, but this miserable week is finally over and things can get back to normal.
In a situation like mine, peace can only be felt after a proper amount of grief is felt, analyzed and understood. It's been a week of pent-up emotions and it took time to let go of them. Some things have happened involving my church and I was very angry this morning. With me, anger quickly turns to tears and all it took was a hug from a very dear friend to set me off. I cried buckets during coffee hour and worried many people. I was sobbing so hard that friends thought something happened to Gram. In a way it felt good to get everything out of me. It also felt good feeling the arms of those who held me. I managed to calm down enough to make conversation with my friends sitting next to me. They were able to keep me talking, even when I felt like crying again. At some point I will have to fill them in on what was going on. They deserve an explanation.
There were a few things that I had to discuss with my priest. However that set me off again. He managed to make sense of everything I was blubbering about. I agreed with him about certain things, and will have to keep working on other things. Lord, have mercy! Friends wanted to take me out to lunch but I had to get home in time for work. It was at work that I laughed and smiled.
I cried my heart and soul out today. I'm exhausted. My eyes are swollen, bloodshot, and I can't seem to get rid of the dark circles. But I am happy. Well, happier. Happy to have an answer and happy to be able to move on. I'm no longer emotionally invested in the situation and can think clearly. Glory to God in all things!
Until next time,
~(A more normal) Staci~
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Driven To Distraction
Hard times got the upper hand/ Stole our feeble plans/ The faces, shot me, spin me round/ But I won't lie down
Hard times shake me to the bone/ Face bruised, bloody nose/ Shell shocked, crawling on the ground/ Still I won't lie down
"Myth" ~Keane~
I'm losing my mind.
It's been a rough week for me. I'm currently dealing with something that has me bouncing off the walls. I'm not in a place where I can talk about it. Only a few people know what's going on and it's hard keeping a smile on my face in front of those who don't. Gram is one of them. So please don't tell her if you see her. This post isn't going to make much sense to anybody and I apologize. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. I have this crushing weight on my shoulders and I'm losing it. Nearly every minute of my days are carefully planned to keep me from thinking. Unfortunately my body wears out before my brain does, which makes for a long night of tossing and turning. Two nights ago I begged Gram to play Settlers of Catan with me at 11:30 pm. Last night I begged her to tell me a story. Anything to keep me from facing the long night with only my thoughts for company. Even with having the day off, I spent almost 3 hours at work talking to my friends/coworkers who know about the situation.
In this situation, there are two possible outcomes and both of them are REALLY horrible to think about. I'm sure the answer will eventually come but either way it's going to be painful. I just need to KNOW the truth. Just two little words could end this cycle of frustration and confusion and fear. I'm irritable, bitter, and running low on patience. It takes very little for me to snap. The house is cleaner and more organized than normal because my hands always have to be doing something. I'm grateful for the extra hours at work. This won't last forever, I know, but I don't know what kind of person I will be when closure comes. My friends know I take heartbreak to the extreme, but I PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE not to use my blog as an outlet, aside from this post. I just needed to get this out there because it is overwhelming me.
Until next time,
~Staci~
Hard times shake me to the bone/ Face bruised, bloody nose/ Shell shocked, crawling on the ground/ Still I won't lie down
"Myth" ~Keane~
I'm losing my mind.
It's been a rough week for me. I'm currently dealing with something that has me bouncing off the walls. I'm not in a place where I can talk about it. Only a few people know what's going on and it's hard keeping a smile on my face in front of those who don't. Gram is one of them. So please don't tell her if you see her. This post isn't going to make much sense to anybody and I apologize. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. I have this crushing weight on my shoulders and I'm losing it. Nearly every minute of my days are carefully planned to keep me from thinking. Unfortunately my body wears out before my brain does, which makes for a long night of tossing and turning. Two nights ago I begged Gram to play Settlers of Catan with me at 11:30 pm. Last night I begged her to tell me a story. Anything to keep me from facing the long night with only my thoughts for company. Even with having the day off, I spent almost 3 hours at work talking to my friends/coworkers who know about the situation.
In this situation, there are two possible outcomes and both of them are REALLY horrible to think about. I'm sure the answer will eventually come but either way it's going to be painful. I just need to KNOW the truth. Just two little words could end this cycle of frustration and confusion and fear. I'm irritable, bitter, and running low on patience. It takes very little for me to snap. The house is cleaner and more organized than normal because my hands always have to be doing something. I'm grateful for the extra hours at work. This won't last forever, I know, but I don't know what kind of person I will be when closure comes. My friends know I take heartbreak to the extreme, but I PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE not to use my blog as an outlet, aside from this post. I just needed to get this out there because it is overwhelming me.
Until next time,
~Staci~
Monday, February 4, 2013
The Post That Needs A Title
It's been a long time since my last post, but there hasn't been anything that I've really wanted to write about recently. I finally have a day off where I don't have to go anywhere. I just got back from a REALLY cold walk.It's windy, cloudy and about 30 degrees here. Spring needs to get here FAST.
Gram had a touch of the flu last week, but it wasn't the really bad strain that people have been getting. Unfortunately, I did have to take her to the ER last Friday. While her flu wasn't as bad as it could have been, it did keep her from being able to eat or drink much. Friday morning her blood sugar dropped and her flu kept her from eating or drinking anything that would raise it. Then we had a problem with her emergency insulin shot. So I bundled her up and we were off to the hospital. Out of the three possible choices for ER's, she decided to go to the one that is currently under construction. (Yes, I should know better than to let her make decisions when her blood sugar is low!) The registration lady didn't know how to spell "multiple complaints" on Gram's paperwork and the nurse put the blood pressure cuff on too tight around Gram's arm. I was a bit ticked off! Thankfully we were taken to the preliminary exam room right away, and eventually to a private room. Gram was hooked up to an IV so she could finally get much-needed fluids. The doctor wanted to check her blood and ordered x-rays on her stomach. We were there for about 5 hrs before the doctor let her go home. All of her tests had come back clear and her blood sugar stabilized. We went to the drug store to get her prescriptions filled, then came home and I made her soup. I told her she had to be in bed by 10:00. Did she listen? Of course not. I think we were up until midnight. But she's better now and things have gone back to normal.
The weather has kept me from church twice this month. First we got an ice and snowstorm. It took days for my car to be completely free of ice. Two Sundays later, we got another ice storm but it wasn't as bad. I've learned to pick my paddles with Gram, but when she says we're not going to church because of the weather, I just get back in bed and don't argue. And I should be grateful that the weather is as good as it has been. It's about as mild here as last winter was. I've only had to shovel once so far. Our Lent begins much later than normal so I hope most of the bad weather is over by the time extra services begin. But if gas prices continue to rise I won't be going very far.
I signed up for 3 online classes through Coursera: financial planning, organic chemistry, and physiology. The finance class is going well, but I had to drop chemistry. I haven't had any chemistry since high school and with Gram being sick last week, I had already fallen behind. The software we had to use for quizzes and homework was super complicated. It's disappointing because I was REALLY looking forward to it. My physiology class starts later this month. This will be a good test to see if I could actually handle nursing school.
Until next time,
~Staci~
Gram had a touch of the flu last week, but it wasn't the really bad strain that people have been getting. Unfortunately, I did have to take her to the ER last Friday. While her flu wasn't as bad as it could have been, it did keep her from being able to eat or drink much. Friday morning her blood sugar dropped and her flu kept her from eating or drinking anything that would raise it. Then we had a problem with her emergency insulin shot. So I bundled her up and we were off to the hospital. Out of the three possible choices for ER's, she decided to go to the one that is currently under construction. (Yes, I should know better than to let her make decisions when her blood sugar is low!) The registration lady didn't know how to spell "multiple complaints" on Gram's paperwork and the nurse put the blood pressure cuff on too tight around Gram's arm. I was a bit ticked off! Thankfully we were taken to the preliminary exam room right away, and eventually to a private room. Gram was hooked up to an IV so she could finally get much-needed fluids. The doctor wanted to check her blood and ordered x-rays on her stomach. We were there for about 5 hrs before the doctor let her go home. All of her tests had come back clear and her blood sugar stabilized. We went to the drug store to get her prescriptions filled, then came home and I made her soup. I told her she had to be in bed by 10:00. Did she listen? Of course not. I think we were up until midnight. But she's better now and things have gone back to normal.
The weather has kept me from church twice this month. First we got an ice and snowstorm. It took days for my car to be completely free of ice. Two Sundays later, we got another ice storm but it wasn't as bad. I've learned to pick my paddles with Gram, but when she says we're not going to church because of the weather, I just get back in bed and don't argue. And I should be grateful that the weather is as good as it has been. It's about as mild here as last winter was. I've only had to shovel once so far. Our Lent begins much later than normal so I hope most of the bad weather is over by the time extra services begin. But if gas prices continue to rise I won't be going very far.
I signed up for 3 online classes through Coursera: financial planning, organic chemistry, and physiology. The finance class is going well, but I had to drop chemistry. I haven't had any chemistry since high school and with Gram being sick last week, I had already fallen behind. The software we had to use for quizzes and homework was super complicated. It's disappointing because I was REALLY looking forward to it. My physiology class starts later this month. This will be a good test to see if I could actually handle nursing school.
Until next time,
~Staci~
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